Loving You

Its like being poisoned 

Minute explosions from the inside, destroying the being

A slow gradual death of all that is core

Feeling no pain, in its place fictitious bliss

Like a child, giving you pleasure is my pleasure

Journey of self discovery unstarted

I take what you give and make it my world

A simple life, but surely not for me

There is no real joy here

The scale is unbalanced 

Acting bewitched, losing myself 

Unable to stop, consumed 

Illogical affection for a parasite 

Loving you is a disease

That of the mind , insanity

Loving you is a drug 

An addiction, terrible after effects

Loving you was wrong

Heart Pains : Letters to him

Dear Mr ...

I can't place this feeling

Am I resigned, sad, afraid 

Why am I calm, wondering

Maybe tomorrow I will feel

Or maybe I will sink into oblivion

Not missing you or wondering

Wouldn't mind at all

My reality is dark that's what it is

There could be light at the end of the tunnel

No one knows

Walk with me please that's all I ask

I have come to a realisation

That this feeling, love, hard to suppress

Why you though, jury is still out

Stubborn fact: for as long as I feel it I know I will be here

I am here...

Hello Mr ...

I'm exhausted

Been running up Everest and down

The high and low 

Losing my breathe

My heart's weathering

I'm feeling dizzy

Been on the merry go round

More than a thousand circles

Losing my mind

My head is spinning

Lost in the silence between us

This cave ,dark and eerie

Your laughter an echo,scary

I'm not afraid, just numb

My heart and head useless now

Addled, sapped can't do anything now

I'm just waiting on you now

Release me

Lost girl

She has a broken campus useless in the woods

Looking for hidden pirates treasure,precious

Deep into the woods she goes

Drawn by a strong force,supernatural

She has no map

Her bearing all messed up

Promised treasure nowhere to be found

A wild goose chase it was

That sweet devil's whisper, enchanting

Which way is home , the trees all look the same

There is a storm brewing 

Lost in the woods, alone freezing

Needing a miracle, light

Lost girl

Wait for day

Dawn is near.

Dear Mr ...

My deepest regrets

Your flowers have wilted

A painful death, irreversible

I wept, my tears dried

You stayed away, just a little too long

Your place in my heart, void

My feelings for you, ashes

Buried deep, to be unseen

I bled, I'm healing

You stayed away, just a little too long

Its a little too late now

The waters run dry

You are lost, ghost

Only memories live on 

I am not afraid to remember

You shouldn't either

Vivid memories of moments, all so surreal

Those will fade

A beautiful dream shared

Wake up now...

Sisterhood

Dear Kashiri

You know you had a choice right
Watch from sidelines
Love from a distance
Care just enough to be cordial
Or simply ignore

I think , you didn't even think
Like falling in love only not all consuming
Just a simple act of kindness
I think, that's what you think
Only not so simple to me

From the one gesture was born a feeling
Admiration, Respect, Love, Inspiration
Words that come close to describing it
Nothing to sum it up
Not blind love or hero worship
A feeling so real, indescribable

No blood involved yet so strong
The bond formed between friends that are more than friends
Like family, the kind you pick out yourself
It's easy to be your friend
Not that easy to be your sister
But that much more fulfilling
That love unconditional, the love for family

We fight you know
Never like crazed people
Tempers flare , emotions get high
No insults hurled still
You just get me, I am in awe
Dude you are real, It's so cool

I think you don't realize how I feel
Or maybe you just don't see what I see
I don't dwell on that though
Because you are my sister my friend
Even if it means less to you than it does to me

Kashiri you should know

I got you...
                           I love you,
I'll be here!!!!

Growing Pains

See I thought I had it all figured out. 1. Be good, 2. go to college, 3. graduate, 4. get an average job , 5. get an awesome job , 6. meet Prince Charming, 7. white picket fence ....You get the picture. Well surprise surprise its been years now (feels like a lifetime) and  am still at 4 , stuck at 4. That kind of stuck that has you feeling comfortable, too comfortable to move. That kind of comfortable that is almost the same as being brain dead. Okay okay I exaggerate, but SERIOUSLY this kind of stuck is a disease. I know this because while I once was this confident girl with a vision and I'm now this woman who cant even answer this seemingly simple question. What do you want?

I really don't know any more. I mean there is just too many things now, can't figure out which is more important, which is more sensible and realistic. The years have taken away my blind faith. I was good, God knows I was really good, following all the rules. I should have had it all but it is harsh out there/ here, lol where is there? Anyway the universe cares not about our hopes and dreams. I kid you not, you can google it. Kashiri I know you will *wink. Kurauone (grow up and see) they say , for reals yoh....There is no better way to know.

So now,  to figure out what I want and go get it.  A wise friend has advised me to write it down and own it. Sounds pretty easy hey. Well been at it for days now, still got nothing. I guess I have been disappointed too much to want anything that bad. Maybe I'm just waiting to get whatever comes my way now. It is sad really. I could stay in my comfort zone and wallow in self pity. Depressing hey...Well I choose not to.

Enough I say! Yes nobody ever told me it would be this hard but then again maybe they also didn't know it could be that hard. We all have different paths. No one knows it all. No one has all the answers. It's time to take control of my life. Make decisions, that's what grown ups do isn't it. Take ownership of the mistakes made and move on. I think a lot of us do not like being independent. Its too painful right. Making all of those life or death, win or lose decisions. Well this is something we cannot run away from. I am no expert but I think there is as much enjoyment as there is pain in growing up.

The young have come up with this really cool phrase, yes the young, lol.  YOLO (You only live once) which implies that one should enjoy life even if that entails taking risks. I wish I'd been born after they popularised YOLO. I probably would have done more, allowed myself to explore various possibilities, taking risks knowing that's all there is to life any way. The joys and the pains. You just have to be able to adapt to the changes.

 “It's maze time!” Shout out to Haw (Who moved my cheese) Guys you should read that book. #Inspiring! I have decided to move. Hope ya'll will follow. Yes you , you have been stuck for years now.

I have not answered the question yet but I am a step closer to figuring it out.

...Serious moments #realtalk

The definition of me...

                       http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Angeline


                                                     THEY NAILED IT!!

Ndagaya : Weird Phobias

FYI: Ndagaya means I have pondered or I have been pondering  in my mother tounge, Shona.

I have this phobia http://pendulaphobia.blogspot.com/ ..ya'lls can't laugh because as you can see, its not just me. So ndagaya, how did it start? I have a theory...I blame my Dad and I'm going to tell you why.

Once upon a time almost 2 decades ago b.p ( before phobia), lol . That's a dry one, shout out to Kashiri. It was that long ago when my  little brother decided to take the longest INSANE route from our primary school to the house. See our house is close to the railway line, about 200m or so and the little brat (5 years old, Grade 1) was well ,smart enough to figure out that those where the same tracks that were close to the school. Distance from house to school ......hmm I don't know, far like, 10km maybe. Anyway one fateful day he decides to hang with the boarders (boarding scholars) at the infants block even after 1pm when the seniors (me in Grade 6) finished class. I couldn't find him at the rendezvous point, obviously,  and I am no psychic so I had no idea where he was. After asking around, looking around I gathered he'd gone home. My mistake....as the taxi (those old peugeot cars) I had decided to take (last one for the day) was pulling out of the school, lo and behold we see the little brat running towards the gate. We were packed like potato sacks, I exaggerate not. We could barely breathe in there. Tried to stop the driver to no avail. So we left the poor child behind ....ok writing this now I feel bad for the kid. Having never gone home alone before he must have been real scared. He had options though,  to walk to the nearest garage, grab a taxi,drop of at the local shops and walk home (easy peasy) or just stay put. Just putting it out there.

I remember being furious at the damn driver and pissed at the little brat . I was so angry at the time up to let's just say my boiling point, then I zoned out. Boy I do have such a weird coping mechanism or what. So got home the maid asked where little brat was ...epic response, lol "am I my brother's keeper" . Really, who does that!!! kkkk, I know the answer to that Cain, the one who murdered his twin brother (bible) (cringe). Oh damn (light bulb moment) It might be my fault  I have the phobia after all..sigh. Oh well since I had already started telling the story I shall finish.

I went out to play,can you believe that. Forgot about the little brat and all things stressful. When it got dark  I went back home and nobody was there. Decided to be an angel and prepare supper. Little did I know that the whole time I was out having some me time, a search party was out looking for the baby. The headmistress even...THE HORROR. Alas he was nowhere to be found. They would have if he hadn't decided to walk to the railway line and follow the track home. 4/5 hours later the eagle landed, waaay before the search party. He just said hi to me and was off to play..He is weird too right.(I think he is)

Me: "Evening daddy (grin) look I'm making supper " Dad: "(grunts)" punches me in the face and walks past. There I was thinking "MUM DID YOU SEE THAT!!!" , but wait why was everyone coming in together...Then it hit me, I was in trouble. They made me fetch my own stick from our beautiful Peach tree (tree is FINE, and the fruit it bears hmm mm mm ). Anyhow they made the little brat narrate his sob story, which he did with all the dramatic effects known to man. My dad beat me ...I think I died. All this while the little brat kept chanting, "and I walked, it was far, nye nye nye nye nye" I swear he sounded just like that. Mum was just there looking while I screamed my lungs out. Actually I don't remember making any sound at all (I am not a screamer hey, wink).

So yea got me my first (and last) good hiding and thus my phobia of swinging things was birthed, I think, not so sure now. Writing this story has made me see things in a different light. The little brat, not soo little now, lol... funny thing he said to me a few weeks ago " I'm not a child any more, I'm  flipping turning 21 for crying out loud!!" pdn (pidigu dhi nekuseka)  Heavens have mercy, the day he turns 25 (shudder) .  Anyhu he still teases me about my phobia to date. Guys its weird but yet so real.

My dad has never beat me again since and I have stayed away from everything remotely similar to trouble (shrug). I have never been in a fight though... NOTE : "To all my suitors out there, if you so much as clench your fists at me, deal breaker!"

Seriously thought I would hate brother dearest till the day of my death, that is before discovered a special kind of unconditional love associated with having no choice. kkkk, Shout out to you Adolf Shingi (my one and only sibling), mazirudo! You too dad, mazirudo (lots of love) and you are forgiven. lol


THE END...

I believe I can fly....

Facts about me...(relevant to this blog) 'wink'

You shall notice that my feet rarely touch the ground (on camera)...the only time my true nature is captured. Yes, the naked eye can't see it but I can fly. #Angel# . Ok  ok maybe I'm not an actual Angel, but what I'm jus tryna say is I believe in myself.

Defensive much, Oh best believe I have a reason for every little thing I do and say, it comes with being a perfectionist I guess...good luck convincing me I'm wrong. (chuckle)

I can keep a secret- my own little durrty secrets and even secrets I haven't been asked to keep (smh). That being said you can agree that it is only fair to share some of or all the juiciest stories that I have kept to myself all these years. There you have it, the reason why I just had to blog : I'M CLEANING OUT MY CLOSET!!!!!

How is that for an introduction...hmmm, i'm quite pleased. Kashiri , did  I hit you with my amazeballsness????????